Volunteering conflict: How to deal with conflict

How can I deal with conflict? 

As discussed in Can conflict be a good thing, the best way to deal with conflict is to address it: 

• as soon as you can and before it gets bigger and more difficult to deal with, 

• by taking a shared approach, to work together to solve the problem, and 

• by recognising and listening to the other person's concerns as soon as you see a problem arising, and before it gets out of hand. 

These are five skills to help you deal with people and situations that you find difficult:

• Managing Emotion 
  How you feel and how the other person feels plays a big role in determining whether a conversation is "difficult". Be aware of how you manage your emotions and how you deal with the other person's emotions. Read more 

• Listening 
  Listening is one of the best ways to understand and deal with conflict. It costs nothing to listen. Hearing is a natural human function. Listening, however, is an active skill that requires effort and practice. The best type of listening is interactive listening. 

• Exploring Solutions Together 
  By effectively managing emotions and listening interactively, you are ready to try this with the other person through principled negotiations¹. 

• Framing 
  Framing is the way in which a problem or issue is presented or described. Framing an issue in a neutral way can help the move towards a calm, positive discussion rather than a heated argument. 

• Confronting 
  Sometimes, after trying to resolve a conflict collaboratively without success, it is necessary to confront the other person to let them know that their problematic behaviour is not OK and what will happen if it does not change. Confronting is the last resort. 

These helpful skills will help you "lower the temperature" so that you and the other person can talk about what is important, without personal attacks, aggression, withdrawal or getting stuck on "positions". 

Footnotes:

^{1Fisher, Roger, William L Ury and Bruce Patton, Getting to Yes: Negotiating Agreement without giving in, (Penguin Books, revised edition, 2011)} 

Managing Emotion 

Sometimes we think that we are expressing our emotions clearly by being emotional. Or sometimes we try to suppress or ignore our emotions, or the emotions of the other person, in an attempt to keep the conversation ‘rational' or ‘professional'. The truth is that it is almost impossible to keep an emotional response a secret. 

Emotion is a reaction to something that impacts us. It is helpful to notice emotion and try to find out why you are reacting. 

How we feel about the issues discussed plays a role in a difficult conversation, and it is useful to acknowledge our own emotions in a conflict as well as the other person's emotions.

Some tips on how to express and discuss emotions effectively include: 

Being clear about how you are feeling 

It can be difficult to figure out how you are really feeling. For example, vulnerability may be disguised as anger, because anger is more comfortable. 

Being open with how you are feeling, but being careful with how you describe those feelings 

• Holding back your emotions may make the conflict worse later 

• When discussing your emotions, be mindful of the difference between feeling and judgement. For example, "I feel underappreciated" vs "you are selfish"

Being OK with how you are feeling by remembering that good people can experience negative emotions 

Emotions are part of human nature. It is OK to feel jealousy or anger. Your response to your emotions is what is important. For example, physically or verbally attacking someone out of anger is not OK. Telling someone you are grumpy because of what they have done is OK. 

Keeping in mind that your emotions are just as important as the other person's, and vice versa 

Acknowledge the other person's emotions, even if you may not agree with that person's point of view. See section Listening. 

Keeping in mind that it is difficult to listen when you are experiencing strong emotions 

See Listening to learn more about listening. 

Avoid judging, just share 

Avoid judging the other person's emotions and also avoid judging your own emotions. Share your feelings without talking about blame.

Listening 

Listening is recognising what someone is saying. It is a sign of respect

When someone feels that they have been listened to it can calm down the conversation. That is why interactive listening is so important when trying to resolve a disagreement or conflict. Interactive listening is hardest to do when it is most important, that is when the other person is upset. 

Interactive listening involves: 

Focusing on the speaker 

• Try to understand the other person's focus and feelings.

• Do not judge. 

Showing that you are listening through: 

• Body language, such as eye contact, nodding, and having an open body posture rather than a defensive crossed-armed posture. 

• Affirmative sounds such as "uh huh", "okay". 

• Clarifying questions that are open-ended and non-judgemental 
  For example, "when you said… what did you mean?" will help you make sense of anything that you might not understand from the speaker's story, and it also demonstrates that you are interested in what the speaker has to say. 

• Paraphrasing or summarising what you have heard at the end with a clarifying question. For example, "how I understand it is that… is that right?" to make sure that you have understood it right. 

Acknowledging the speaker's feelings 

• For example, "it sounds like you were very frustrated when you heard that funding was going to be used on hiring a new staff member, rather than building a new disability ramp, is that right?" 

• Tip: Identify the reason why someone was made to feel a certain way. For example, don't simply talk about frustration without identifying why it was frustrating. This helps the acknowledgement be heard without being patronising. 

Identifying the speaker's values 

• After showing that you acknowledge the speaker's feelings try and identify the value that they are trying to express. In this example, you might say, "creating a workplace where everyone can be heard and included equally is important to you, isn't it?" 

• Tip: check with a clarifying question to make sure you have it right, to avoid sounding patronising. 

These 4 steps will allow the speaker to feel heard and also allow you to better understand them. You don't need to agree or even think that they are right, but it is an approach to ‘lower the temperature' of the conversation and move towards working together on a shared problem.

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Video transcript

Listening skills for conflict resolution

Introduction

conflict can lead us into some really difficult conversations if there's one tool in your conflict resolution toolkit that might just help you it's listening

Listening

listening is really difficult especially when we disagree with what's been said or when we feel like we're being criticized or what's being said is offensive

judgments are hard to hear even if they're accurate especially when they're delivered with some sort of emotion

if we feel like we're being attacked what are we likely to do we're likely to either attack back or to run away

neither of those two responses that can help us deal with this conflict

let me show you some examples of how people typically deal with conflict when they feel like they're being attacked

in this scenario Courtney is telling Ann what happened to her during the day

this organization is such a joke they don't care about our

safety they don't care about whether someone gets hurt you should have seen what they had us doing earlier today

lifting and carrying those heavy boxes putting them into the backs of those trucks without a single forklift or trolley in sight

now not only is my back stuffed but if a box had fallen over someone really could have been killed

 

can you hear how what Courtney says sounds like an attack here's one common response

I don't know why you're so upset cuz like hey the boxes weren't that heavy and no one got killed don't worry about it 

and here's another common response

now not only is my back stuffed but if a box had fallen over someone really could have been killed

that's terrible someone could have been killed I think maybe we should talk the HR manager

in both of these cases Ann has clearly heard what Courtney has to say but was she really listening

what Ann was doing was expressing to Courtney her feeling about what had happened during the day

what she didn't acknowledge is how Courtney was feeling about it or what was important to Courtney

if Ann wants to demonstrate that she's heard Courtney then she needs to focus entirely upon what Courtney's saying and not about her own feelings or responses

some of what a great listener does is really obvious good body language eye contact asking the right questions usually open-ended questions so people can say some more

prompting people to continue with their story and tell you how they feel how they see the world

there the simple things that great listeners do they also sometimes summarize so they can demonstrate they've understood the words that are spoken

Listening skills

 

most people have difficulty with listening because they're not really ready to do it

to be ready to listen you have to focus entirely on the other person

and stop those other conversations that are going on inside your head the ones that are running away or fighting with the other person

listening is tricky because conflict usually comes out of left field and we're not ready to listen so the first

Things we have to do are to get ready to listen turn off the voice inside our head and focus entirely on the other person

let's see what might be going on for Anne when she hears Courtney talk about a day

the way she did before ah this organization is such a joke here we go again she is always complaining always whinging who never seems happy

it's a great work we always do and those boxes they're going to make people's lives better when they get there I don't feel good about what I did she is such a downer

they really could have been killed

let's talk about how we might turn off that voice inside our head the best way to do that is to know what we're listening for if we know what we're listening for

then we're focusing on the other person and we're not trying to respond inside a head

there's a whole lot of information in what Courtney said that will assist Anne in listening

particularly Courtney tells us how she's feeling and what's important to her

let's see how Anne might respond if she's showing that she understands how Courtney feels

you should have seen what they had us doing earlier today they were getting us to lift these heavy boxes

and put them into the backs of those trucks but without a single forklift or trolley in sight

now not only is my back stuffed but if a box had fallen over someone really could have been killed

actually it sounds like you're really worried that someone might have been hurt today is that right?

yeah you're right that is how I was feeling I mean those boxes were really heavy can you

see how and demonstrated that she understood how Courtney felt and then

she checked in with Courtney to make sure she had it right
now let's see how she can identify the value or the important thing for Courtney in that statement

I mean those boxes were really heavy okay so someone may have got hurt

but also it sounds like it's important to you that the organization cares for the health and safety of its volunteers is that right

yes yes that's exactly right it's really important when we're

talking about feelings and values that we link them to what happened in Courtney's day

if we can do that we can talk about what happens during the day without there being judgement or blame

and that might help us to solve the problem so if we really want to be a great listener

especially when conflicts around there are only a few things that we have to do

firstly we have to decide to listen focus entirely on what the other person is saying

remember you're trying to demonstrate you've heard not that you agree

secondly turn off that voice inside your head next use your best listening skills don't interrupt

good body language prompts open questions those sorts of things that invite the other person to say some more

next we want to acknowledge how to our person feels or their emotion and remember to check in to make sure you've got it right

and finally we want to identify what's important to that person or the value they're expressing again checking in to make sure we've got it right

we all know how good it feels to be really listened to how important it is it's even more important when conflicts around and if we can do it

well and demonstrate empathy and understanding without judgment without

 criticism we might just have a chance of calming that conversation and working  out what we're going to do about it together 

Exploring solutions together 

Principled negotiation is a useful approach to deal with conflicts that focuses on why a person wants a particular outcome. 

There are 7 elements to principled negotiations, and they involve: 

Understanding and separating interests and positions 

• Positions are usually what a person expresses to be their objective and can usually only be met in one way. 

• Interests are the needs and desires that explain why a person wants a particular outcome. 

For example: John wants the promotion (position) because he needs the extra income (interest). 
Peter wants the promotion (position) because it involves travel to another state where he can see his children who live there (interest). Both want the promotion, but the interests underlying their positions are different. There may even be multiple interests at play. 

In this scenario, even though only one person can be promoted, there may be ways in which both John's and Peter's interests can be met such that John can get a pay rise and Peter can see his children. 

• Ask "why" or "why not" to explore interests. 

Using objective standards 

These are standards that everyone would consider to be fair and could be tested for fairness and used to persuade the other party. For example: 

• Using independent data collected by the Australian Bureau of Statistics to demonstrate the value of volunteering. 

• If you want to convince someone about the value of a car, advertised prices or price guides will help convince the other party. 

• Comparable prices for real estate help you decide how much to pay for a house. 

Brainstorming options that focus on gains for all parties involved 

Brainstorming is about coming up with ideas and solutions. You can be creative; no suggestion is wrong and no commitment to any of them is needed at this stage. 

• Explore options that may meet both parties' interests. 

• In the example above, John and Peter could agree to approach the manager with this possibility or together suggest alternative work/pay/travel to manager (an action they can agree on). 

Communicating and discussing together 

• Listen actively and be mindful of how you communicate. For example: 

• by developing guidelines for how the difficult conversation should take place. 

• by agreeing that only one person speaks at a time, and not make personal attacks. 

• by encouraging respect, which builds trust. 

• In the midst of a disagreement, relationships can be built and improved. 

Maintaining relationships 

• Use appropriate communication to improve or maintain the relationship. 

• Don't confuse your feelings about the person with the problem you need to solve (separate the people from the problem). 

Seeking out your Best Alternative To a Negotiated Agreement (BATNA) 

• Identify alternative actions that don't require the agreement of other people. 

• Seek out your best alternative action and compare it to the outcome that is negotiated. 

• In the example above, John could find another job offering higher pay without Peter's agreement; and Peter could relocate to where his children are without John's agreement. 

Deciding the level of commitment reached at the end of the negotiation 

• Do not accept a proposal unless it is better than your BATNA. 

• Test the fairness of the proposal against what would be acceptable to others outside the conflict. 

• Point out possible issues that might interfere with the agreement (for example, not being able to guarantee that John can get a pay rise without getting the promotion). 

• Look for solutions on how you might make some rules about sticking to the agreement. For instance, a system of rewards and penalties could apply. 

Following the steps above will maximise the chance of finding the best possible solution together, maintain relationships and achieving an outcome suitable to everyone involved. 

Framing 

A common mistake people make is to open the conversation from their own point of view, which can make it hard for the other person to listen to what they have to say. It is better to try to frame an issue by explaining and describing the context of the problem in a neutral and non-biased manner. 

For example, you and a partner disagree about whether to spend the limited funding your organisation has available on hiring a new employee or building a disability ramp. Your partner wants to hire a new employee, but you want to ensure your premises are accessible. 

How might you frame the conversation?

• Start with a non-biased description of the ‘difference' between the two views; "It seems that you and I are having trouble agreeing on how to allocate the limited funding that we have" 
• Follow with an acknowledgement of the other person's view; "It is my understanding that you believe it would be best if we use the funding to hire a new employee."
• Then tell them your view; and  "While I think the money should go towards building a new disability ramp." 
• Finally, complete the ‘frame' by suggesting that both of you get together to brainstorm solutions to your shared problem after you have both had an opportunity to understand each other's views.
  Perhaps you can together identify points you can agree on and those you can't, and put them in an agreed order of importance for further discussion.  "I think it would be helpful if we could talk about how each of us sees the situation and then maybe we can find a way forward..." 

Following these 4 steps will make it easier for both parties to have a constructive and calm discussion about the issues, and generate options to resolve their shared problem together. 

During this conversation, it is important to: 

• Try to listen actively and carefully, and keep calm. 

• Talk and communicate without being sarcastic or interrupting the other person - show that you respect the telling of another view and manage your own reactions. 

• Focus on events and behaviours; focus on the issue, don't attack the person. 

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Confronting 
 

If you can't resolve a conflict together with the other person, sometimes it is necessary to confront that other person to let them know that you will not tolerate their problematic behaviour anymore. 

Scott Susan¹ suggests the following script: 

• Name the issue (I would like to talk to you about...) 
  I would like to talk to you about what happened during our meeting last Thursday afternoon. 

• Give an example of the behaviour or situation you find difficult to tolerate (When you did this...) 
  When you slammed the door on your way out before the meeting was over 

• Describe your emotions about this issue (I feel/felt…) 
  I felt very disrespected. 

• Explain what is at stake if the issue is not resolved (I am concerned that this will...) 
  I am concerned that this will put both our professional reputations at stake 

• Identify how you may have contributed to the problem (I may have...) 
  I may have contributed by allowing this kind of behaviour to pass on previous occasions. 

• Communicate your wish to resolve the issue collaboratively (I would like to resolve this with you.) 
  I would like to resolve this with you, so that we can continue to work together and put this behind us. 

• Invite the other person to respond (I would like to understand what is going on for you from your perspective) 
  I would like to understand what is going on for you from your perspective. What do you feel happened last Thursday? This way of dealing with the issue differs from the skills above. Instead of seeking to understand the other person's point of view, it gives you the opportunity to let the other person know how their continued behaviour makes you feel. However, it is important to give other person a chance to respond after you have made this opening statement, while remaining firm that, from your point of view, their behaviour or the situation needs to change. 

Footnotes:

^{1Scott, Susan, Fierce Conversations: Achieving Success at Work & in Life One Conversation at a Time (New York: Berkley Publishing Group, 2002).}